Ratt Poison

I pulled up to the address, which was startling close to my own, in the ridiculous stretch limousine that almost pays my rent. The jokers piled into the car with a large cooler containing an assortment of booze to carry them through the atrocity we were all about to witness. And so we were off to the First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre to go see White Lion, Ratt, and Poison. As I inhaled the pungent fumes of wacky tobacky that wafted throughout the car, I listened to them gab away whilst the "Talk Dirty to Me" song played ad naseaum on the CD player. When we arrived at the grounds, I breathed a sigh of relief that I could now go order a Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity breakfast at IHOP and relax. My face blanched when I discovered they wanted to pay the $40 parking fee so they could indulge themselves in the back of the limousine at their leisure, until Ratt polluted the stage. They reconciled by offering me free tickets to the show. You can imagine my prevaricated gratitude, which I projected with egregious good humor. A white limo pulled up next to mine and the door opened: an aging, bronzed, glam-metalhead emerged, sporting a black wife-beater and holding a can of Bud, flexing his adipose beefcake muscles and flinging his hair around. This individual was probably a real stallion two decades ago, but now frequents his therapist every week to discuss his failure to attract women, oblivious to his sagging, steroid induced man-boobs and permed locks. Later, I entered the dirty, corporate slogan encumbered hellhole, free ticket in hand. The zit encrusted dimwit at the gate looked at me like I was from Pluto, inquiring if I just got off work, to which I responded, "I am working, silly." The unholy vibrations grew as I approached the stage. Bromidic cowgirls abounded, gyrating their hips to Stephen Pearcy's 6-pack and collectively reiterating the lyrics of "Round and Round" amidst incendiary explosions of pyrotechnics. Then Brett Michaels got up on stage displaying a freshly sprayed-on tan and wearing a cowboy hat, declaring that he "will never stop." At that moment, I realized with horror that I would be there for at least another hour.